Naruto: Road to High-kage!
by JigglypuffUchiha
Summary: The entire plot of Naruto was all just a dream... a dream Naruto had while drunk and high. Enter the scene of Konoha high; a once great school that's now a dump full of the worst people you'll ever meet. Naruto has to get through his days while dealing with rich kids, annoying girls and many more terrible people. Although, Naruto is kind of horrible too...
1. Chapter 1

Kaguya was finally defeated, the allied shinobi forces had cheered his name, he was the hero of the world. Then he got into his fight with Sasuke, a battle of epic proportions with Kyuubi against Susanoo. The valley of end was being decimated by their fight, Naruto prepared an ultimate Kyuubi chakra Biju bomb rasenshuriken and Sasuke had a Susanoo Indra arrow chidori spear of death. They launched their attacks and everything went dark. That's when Naruto woke up.

It was the first time Naruto had smoked pot, so he had no idea of the side effects.

"What a crazy dream." Naruto got up off the table he'd fallen asleep on, the party was still going so he tried to walk over to the dance floor, but he tripped over himself. "Vodka is kicking in too… man I'm wasted."

"Don't try to walk, idiot." It was Shikamaru, sitting across from Naruto, smoking weed like always. "You're high on pot and drunk on vodka, you're delusional. Just sit down."

"Shut up Shikamaru! You and your shadows always grabbing people."

"What the heck are you going on about?"

"When I'm Hokage, I'm gonna make sure predators like you don't run free!"

"*sigh* I'm taking you home, you're wasted. What a drag… Choji, help me carry Naruto to my car." Choji, who had a whole bowl of chips and dip that he had almost finished, got up from his feast and carried Naruto to Shikamaru's brown 1981 Rolls Royce.

"In you go. I'm going back inside, I made a bet with Kiba that I could fit 4 Burgers in my mouth. You coming back?" Choji asked Shikamaru.

"Nah, I'm tired. I'm going home."

"You never stick around for the fun part."

"I already know you can fit more than 4 burgers in your mouth."

"True." Choji said with a smile. "See you tomorrow then."

"Later." Naruto had passed out in the back seat, time to drive him home again. Shikamaru pulled into Naruto's apartment complex and carried Naruto inside. At this point, Shikamaru had dragged him home so many times that he knew where to find the house key, his guardian, Jiraiya, was always busy when he got back so Shikamaru just let himself in most of the time, but this time the man was outside with a woman, trying to get her to come inside. "Mr. Jiraiya, you're so gross" Shikamaru said with his eyes covered, fearing for what he might see.

"I'm doing research for my novel. Now screw off so I can get back to work." The man told him.

"Sheesh…" Shikamaru put Naruto on his bed and was about to leave.

"You're a good guy, Shikamaru. When I'm Hokage, I'm gonna make you my advisor." Naruto was half asleep as he muttered to his friend. Shikamaru looked at him with a confused look.

"Yeah… whatever." With that, he walked out the door and drove home.

Authors notes:

So how do you like my new comedy? I actually made it rated M originally, but I wanted to make it so that all of my readers could enjoy it. However, I'd be happy to upload the M version if you'd like, it's funnier in my opinion ;) -Jiggly

-Update-

I just realized that the format got messed up on this story so I'm sorry to anyone who had to read that abomination, I fixed it so it should be easier to read now.


	2. Chapter 2

Naruto: Road to High-kage!

Written by: JigglypuffUchiha

Chapter 2

—

Naruto walked down the street towards Konoha high, he didn't have a car since he couldn't pay for one, thankfully he lived right next to the school.

"Man my head hurts, Ino really knows how to throw a party. I barely even remember most of it."

Just then, a motorcycle sped past Naruto doing a wheelie, the rider, all in black with a helmet covering their face, drove by at speeds way over the limit and pulled into the school parking lot.

"Screw off Sasuke!"

Naruto hated that guy. Sasuke Uchiha was smart, rich, attractive, athletic and a major jerk He, Naruto and Sakura used to be best friends, but Sasuke got into a bunch of honor classes and got a huge ego and an elitist attitude. Naruto walked around the corner and entered the school gate, that's when he saw Sakura and Sasuke making out.

"Jeez, get a room…"

"You're just jealous, Naruto."

Sakura was head over heels for Sasuke, she used to be nice but as they grew; she just kept getting more and more annoying until Naruto could hardly stand her anymore. Sasuke of course treated his girlfriend like garbage, he didn't really like her all that much but she was pretty and popular so he just dated her for the clout.

"I think you're just jealous because Naruto got Sasuke's first kiss instead of you."

The snarky comment came from Sai, with Ino's giggle following after. He just smiled and walked off with his girlfriend, leaving Sakura flustered, and Naruto and Sasuke embarrassed. Naruto just grumpily walked away to class, leaving Sakura to angrily growl behind him.

Naruto walked to class, still embarrassed from what Sai said.

"Why does everyone always have to bring that up?"

Despite his embarrassment, Naruto loved seeing Sakura and Sasuke get roasted, even if it meant he'd go down with them. Sai was kind of a butt sometimes and Naruto never knew what he was thinking, Sai was the most fake person you'd ever meet.

Naruto opened the door to the classroom, he smelled weed.

"What's up, Lord Hokage? You're here early."

"Hey Shikamaru. Wait, what did you call me?"

"You forgot… I figured you would."

"The heck are you going on about? What did I forget?"

"You got absolutely trashed last night, you passed out and you were going on about being a ninja or something when you woke up."

"Last night was crazy, I barely remember a lot of it now that you mention it…"

"Why on earth are you two here so early? Could you two shits keep it down?" The voice came from underneath the teacher's desk, no wonder the smell was so heavy.

"Oh, hey Kakashi-sensei." Their homeroom teacher, or Shikamaru's weed dealer (which Naruto assumed he was) looked tired as always.

"Don't "Kakash-sensei" me, you rugrats put me through hell every single day, I've been losing sleep. So kindly shut up until class starts."

"Alright alright, sheesh, you're awfully cranky today." Naruto just sat back in his chair and got on his phone… his flip phone and sighed. "I don't have anyone to text on this piece of garbage, why do I even bother?" He put his phone back in his pocket and slumped. After sitting there, bored out of his mind, for about 10 minutes, his classmates started to enter the room.

"And so begins the chaos." Their teacher sighed. "Alright everyone, take your seats. First off, Principal Sarutobi asked me to tell you all that whoever has been writing on the urinals, please stop. Second, a reminder that tomorrow we'll be taking a field trip to the Kiri aquarium, please bring whatever essentials you'll need." As the teacher continued with his announcements, Naruto's mind drifted off.

When Naruto awoke, class was over and Kakashi the room was empty, save for his teacher, who was under the desk again.

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"Class is over, get out." His teacher was barely awake. Naruto looked at his watch.

"Crap I'm late!" The blonde grabbed his bag and ran out the door and down the hall, he burst through the gym doors and tried to blend in.

"Mr. Uzumaki!" A voice shouted. "There's no room for tardiness in my class! 50 sit-ups! And if you can't do that, then 100 push ups!"

"Yes, Guy-sensei…" Naruto reluctantly obeyed the gym teacher and begun his sit ups.

"That's what you get for being late." Sakura said with an annoying tone.

"Shut up." Naruto replied, rolling his eyes.

"Don't get angry at me! You're the one who's in trouble all the time like an idiot."

"Hey now," Guy interjected. "Arguing isn't tolerated either. For that, we'll start out the day with thirty laps around the gym!" Guy said with a smile. The class all groaned in unison, save for Lee.

"Thirty whole laps?! Yeah! Let's go!" With that, the kid sprinted around the gym ahead of everyone else.

"Thanks, Sakura." Kiba sarcastically told Sakura.

"Ugh, that's too much… I hate gym class…" TenTen complained.

"TenTen, we must not complain about exercise! Just think, a few decades from now this class will have saved your life!" Lee declared.

"How the heck will this save me?" TenTen asked him.

"You're lifespan will be expanded through a healthy diet and lots of exercise!" Lee exclaimed cheerfully.

"You're insane…" TenTen grumbled as she continued to drag along.

"Alright class, that was a good warm up!" Guy told the class, most were exhausted already. "Now then, let's move on to the real thing; Dodgeball!"

"I hate dodgeball…" TenTen complained… again. Gym class sucked, but Naruto was starting to get irritated with her whining.

"Team captains will be Sasuke and Shikamaru!" Guy told them.

"Eh? Why me? What a drag… Choji, come on." Shikamaru deadpanned. When they finished picking, Shikamaru had Naruto, Choji, Lee, TenTen, Sai and Ino on his team, while Sasuke had Sakura, Neji, Kiba, Hinata and some other kid no one recognized on his team.

"Aww, why do they have Neji and we get Lee?" TenTen whined.

"The fires of our youth will prevail against them! Don't worry TenTen!" Lee exclaimed.

"Jeez, you're so weird!" TenTen said to Lee. Then the whistle blew and the show began. Right away, balls were being thrown at Naruto, Choji got out pretty quickly, Ino and Sai weren't even trying and Shikamaru just stepped out of bounds and got himself out, leaving Naruto, Lee and TenTen as the only survivors.

"Lee! It's just you and me!" Naruto shouted.

"What about me?! I'm still in!" TenTen said angrily.

"Shut up TenTen!" Naruto told her, still annoyed her whining. Lee was a fighting machine, definitely carrying the team. He was dodging every ball thrown at him, then he caught a ball and got Choji back in.

"Hit Lee!" Sasuke shouted.

"I'll get him, Sasuke!" Sakura told him, then Lee beamed her in the face with a ball and she was knocked onto the floor. Hinata tried to help her up, but she was too dazed and she fell back down, so Guy blew the whistle.

"Time out!" Guy ran onto the court and carried Sakura to a bench, then he blew the whistle again and the massacre resumed.

"Let's do this!" Lee shouted to Choji and Naruto. Naruto had started to get some momentum, he hit Kiba and caught a ball from the other kid, then his focus turned to Sasuke. Naruto was about to throw the ball, then he got hit in the nuts by a ball beamed at him by Neji. The pain shot through his genitalia and up to his stomach, Naruto dropped to his knees and there was a collective "ooh" from the crowd.

"Why…" Naruto stood up and hobbled to the benches and sat down. Soon, their momentum died out and it was back to Lee and TenTen.

"We can still do this TenTen! You just have to believe!" Lee said this, but he immediately got out from a ball thrown by Neji.

"Hmph, I knew you'd never beat Neji at anything." TenTen said with an indignant look, however, her face immediately changed to terror as she realized what would happen. Every single person from the other team beamed a ball at her, and the match was lost.

"Sasuke's team wins!" Guy shouted. "Onto the next activity!"

Author's notes:

I hope you guys enjoyed chapter 2! I love writing this story a lot so I'm hoping it'll be popular. I still plan to release the M rated version so please go check that out once it's released! -Jiggly


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The rest of gym class was the same as the dodgeball game; miserable. In fact, the rest of the day was bad. Just when it was time to go home and Naruto thought it was over, tragedy struck.

"Hey, Naruto." Sasuke said to Naruto as he was walking home.

"What do you want, Sasuke?" Naruto asked him, he turned around to look at the jerk, but all he saw was a fist.

"Want? Do I need a reason to visit my old pal Naruto?" Sasuke said with a smirk.

"What the heck, man?" He moved forward to hit back, but he was grabbed by a large pair of arms.

"You've met Jurobo right? I brought him and a few other friends to help me out." Sasuke asked sarcastically as four others all came out from various hiding places. There was Tayuya, the twins; Sakon and Ukon and Kidomaru.

"You're jumping me… with the band club? That's really lame, Sasuke." Naruto said as he struggled to get free, but he was shut up by a fist to the chest from Sasuke.

"Doesn't matter, you're dead." At Sasuke's word, the band club held him down and beat the shit out of him. They kicked his ribs, his face and his balls.

"This is really cliche guys…" Naruto said between coughs. Just when he was starting to lose consciousness, he heard an unfamiliar voice.

"We're going the wrong way, dummy! Konoha is this way! You're such an idiot!"

"Well my phone says that it's this way!"

"That's because you typed in the wrong address you retard!"

"Shut up." Said a third voice. Naruto looked up to see who had come around the corner, thankfully the band club was distracted so he could actually see who it was.

"Hey, Temari! They're wearing Konoha uniforms, let's ask them! Hey guys, sorry to bother you but…. Oh, did we interrupt something?" Said a guy in all black, he was the second voice. He was clearly goth. He had an instrument strapped to his back.

"Yeah, you are. Now get the hell out of here or you're next." Tayuya told him, however, she was grabbed by the shirt and lifted up.

"You wanna go? I'll kick your butt!" The one who had grabbed her was the first voice, a girl with blond, spiky hair. She was dressed in punk fashion and also had an instrument on her back, the guy in black had called her Temari.

"Hey, put her down." Kidomaru told Temari, she responded by staring him in the face with a menacing glare. The band club moved off of Naruto and walked towards the three new people. Jurobo was about to hit Temari, then they all stopped at a familiar "click".

"Back off or I'll kill you." The third newcomer was a smaller guy with red hair and no eyebrows, but a ton of eyeliner, he too had an instrument on his back. His most notable feature, however, was a gun. "Sasuke's eyes were wide.

"Scatter!" Sasuke shouted, they all ran away as fast as they could, abandoning Tayuya.

"Jeez, Gaara! Where did you get a gun?!" Temari asked, clearly surprised. She dropped Tayuya and grabbed the gun from Gaara. Gaara looked at her angrily and started growling.

"Hey dude, calm down." Said the goth, but Gaara's hands started shaking and his growling intensified.

"Wait, did you take your medicine? Gaara Subaku, did you take your freaking medicine?!" Temari asked, she sounded like a mom now.

"I don't like my medicine, it tastes like sand." Gaara told her, looking away to avoid eye contact.

"Take it now or else!" She pulled a prescription bottle out from his instrument bag. The redhead grudgingly took the bottle and swallowed a pill, soon after he calmed down.

"Well now that that's over, we can finally go back to… Woah dude, you ok?" The goth dude said to Naruto. Naruto just looked at him like he was an idiot. "So what do we do with him?"

"Eh, let's just take him with us and give him to the school nurse." Temari told the goth. So, that's what they did, however once they picked him up, he passed out.

When Naruto woke up, he was in Kabuto's office. "What happened?" He asked the nurse.

"Oh, you're awake? You got the crap beat out of you like a little wuss, that's what happened. Some new students had to carry you back here." Kabuto told him with a snarky look. "Lucky for you, your injuries aren't severe, just a mild concussion and a few bruises, so you'll still be able to go on your field trip tomorrow."

"Oh yeah, that. By the way, where are the people who carried me here?"

"They left because they didn't give a darn about you. Now, since you're awake and I've treated your injuries; get out and go home." Kabuto deadpanned.

"Ugh fine. Jeez, you're the worst nurse ever." With that, Naruto hobbled home, he opened the door and for once, Jiraiya was just eating dinner.

"What happened to you?" His guardian asked.

"Sasuke and his friends jumped me." Naruto deadpanned.

"That sucks… You want a popsicle? I got some while I was out today." For once, Jiraiya was being nice, so Naruto took him up on the offer. Naruto got one from the freezer and crashed on the couch.

"I hate my life. I hate that stupid school. Sasuke can get lost." Naruto muttered as he ate his popsicle.

"You know kid, I had my fair share of getting beat up back in my day. I think I might have some advice." Jiraiya told Naruto.

"Oh? What's that?" Naruto deadpanned.

"Stop being a baby and grow a backbone."

"Dang Jiraiya, why do you always have to be such a jerk?!" Naruto angrily asked, storming off the couch and into his room.

"This is what I'm talking about!" Jiraiya said from the other side of the door. "At the first sign of trouble you run like a wuss." The man got no answer. "Whatever, it's your problem." With that, Jiraiya walked off to watch TV.

"I hate everything..." He mumbled, as the exhausted teen drifted off to sleep.

Authors notes:

Well, the Suna siblings are officially here, so get ready for a lot of mental instability jokes. As always, lmk if you want the M rated version to be released, although as of now I don't think I have any followers on this story so I'm talking to no one at this point.


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